“Chicken Soup for the Shabbat Table” 

Improving Jewish Family Learning & Dynamics

By

Joel Guberman

Project Mentor:
David Ribner, DSW

ATID Fellows
2000-2001

“Chicken Soup for the Shabbat Table” 

Improving Jewish Family Learning & Dynamics

by
Joel Guberman
Joel Guberman is a pediatric occupational therapist and the co-founder and director of P'til Tekhelet, the Association for the Promotion and Distribution of Tekhelet. Husband and father of eight, he is currently studying in Hebrew University's program for family therapy.

Project Description
"Chicken Soup for the Shabbat Table" is a compilation of useful guidelines and helpful hints to enhance the family experience at the Shabbat table.  The focus includes interpersonal relationships and family interaction as well as not-to-be-missed educational opportunities.  What goals are we trying to achieve at the Shabbat table?  At what point can a child be excused from the table? How do we get the kids to participate?   How does one deal with the toddler and the pre-teen while the baby is crying? 
 
Through interviews and questionnaires, together with the use of literature on the subject and general common sense, the author hopes to present a resource that will help parents maximize the educational and bonding opportunities of the Shabbat table.  The rich and varied experiences of family members can help in creating increased options and focused directions for the parents, and conductors of this most meaningful occasion.

Summary

Theoretical background:

While there are many literary sources emphasizing the institution of the family in Judaism, it is helpful to see how it is highlighted in the Tanakh. The family relationships and terminology strongly imbedded in the Tanakh form the core of the development of the Jewish people - the "Children of Israel." More than a nationality formed around a specific location and culture, the Tanakh strongly emphasizes the development of the Jewish people as a family - a people sharing not only a similar mission and message, but stemming from the same familial roots.  

Using a frame of reference from research on family rituals described by Barbara Fiese, the Friday night Shabbat meal is of unique character.  This family mealtime has a double significance.   It is at the same time a patterned routine of weekly dinnertime, as well as a family celebration heavily weighted with specific religious rituals.  The patterned routine with its familiarity and frequency supplies the family a sense of continuation by knowing what to expect and joining together on a regular basis, providing a strong sense of security and comfort.  The family celebration on the other hand, acts as a source whose special rituals and set procedures create great anticipation.

One study of the positive effects of rituals focuses on the relationship of ritual to adolescent identity.  This study conducted by Fiese ( 1992), indicates a strong relationship between the family's association of symbolic significance in family rituals to the adolescents general self-esteem, identity integration, and feelings of belonging with others.  Interestingly, if a great disparity exists between the parent's perception of the family rituals and that of the adolescent then the adolescent is more likely to feel greater distance from other family members.  

Besides the emotional and general health benefits that have been discussed regarding family rituals, there has been growing documentation of the cognitive and social benefits of family rituals.  Various studies have looked into the benefits of improved vocabulary, socialization skills and the imparting of values.  Perhaps the most striking piece of research, which ties all of these benefits together, is that of Bowden and Zeisz (1997).  Based on this research," the Greater New Milford  (Ct.) community 2000 task force on Teen and Adolescent Issues determined that the single most effective intervention for the widest variety of teen and adolescent problems was also the easiest, speediest and least expensive:  The implementation of Family mealtimes."   Although clearly simplistic, they showed a great deal of benefits related to the family meal.  As mentioned before, besides the tremendous emotional benefits gained by family mealtime, it was shown that the single factor common to the best readers from elementary through high school, is that their families eat together at the home.  These children develop more extensive vocabularies at an earlier age, are better equipped to articulate, and score two to three grade levels higher on standardized reading and language tests.  The research found that the family mealtime created a sense of belonging and allowed parents to keep aware of what was going on with their children.  This fact brought psychologist Michael Schwarzchild (2000) of Brookfield, Connecticut, to suggest implementing a homeroom period in the school system that would help to reduce anonymity at an attempt in trying to copy some of the benefits of family mealtime.

With this knowledge of the benefits of rituals and mealtime, we may approach the Shabbat meal with a renewed respect.  Reflection on these points will hopefully increase the effort we put into the Shabbat meal while realizing the tremendous benefits that can be gained.
  
Methodology:
A questionnaire was developed to find out from families what was happening at the Shabbat table.  
The following is a sampling from the format that was used in each interview:
The Shabbat Table 
1. What are the three favorite things you like about the Shabbat dinner? And/or
What are the three favorite things you like from the time everyone arrives from shul (Friday evening services), until everyone gets up from the table?
	. What things would you want to change at the Shabbat table?  And/or 2
   	Have you seen things at other people's homes that you liked? 
3.What is your job or role at the Shabbat table?
4. How do you deal with a range of ages at the table?
5. How many of your children are generally at the table and for how long?
6. What is your job or role at the Shabbat table?

A total of eight families were interviewed and taped.  The families included five Ashkenazi Anglo-Saxon families from religious homes, one Israeli-born Ashkenazi family, one Israeli-born Yemenite family, and one Yerushalmi Haredi family. 

The questionnaire focused on the following major areas. 1. Highlights of the Shabbat table, 2. Challenges/points for improvement, 3.Roles
 
What follows is a sampling from the interviews in the Highlights section.  

Together Forever
Perhaps the one word that showed up most often among the highlights of the Shabbat meal was the word "togetherness." "Having all the family together" and "sitting together in a relaxed atmosphere" are just two ways the families articulated their favorite part of the Shabbat meal.  The specific word "togetherness" as a concept unto itself, showed up in the list of highlights of the Shabbat meal in 5 out of the 8 interviews.   Variations of this theme showed up as, "conversation together" and ”singing together" in the remainder of the interviews.  In fact, several of the families listed all three variations.

Of even greater significance is that the word togetherness showed up among the favorites of the children as well.  From the age of 11 years and older, many of the children specifically listed as their favorite aspect of the Shabbat meal,  "everyone's together" and "the family is together."   In one family where the parents mentioned several times that an area of challenge is squabbling and fighting, their two young teens specifically pointed out that what they enjoy the most is the "togetherness."
As pointed out in the studies on rituals and routines, there is a strong correlation between an adolescent's sense of belonging and their general self esteem.  When focusing on the experience of the Shabbat table we may not always be aware that our children place such value on this sense of togetherness.   When thinking about orchestrating our Shabbat meal, we should not lose sight of the importance of this feeling, and even focus on ways of increasing this sense.

The most direct route to the heart is through the stomach

Not to be belittled, the menu at the meal was a highlight for over 75% of the people questioned.  Among the younger children, the food was more often mentioned and more specific.  Although clearly the concreteness of food makes it a more likely highlight for the younger children, the food factor should not be overlooked.   The soup was the most commonly referred to culinary delight.  One parent even exclaimed "the kids all insist that it tastes better on Shabbat."   

Simple folk wisdom will tell you that chicken soup is good for what ails you.   Nevertheless, the almost mystical powers of the Shabbat soup deserve a closer scrutiny.  It may be that the soup takes on an added dimension at the Shabbat meal.  The fact that it is served towards the beginning of the meal, when the sense of togetherness is at it's strongest, may certainly add to its popularity.  Another point of interest is the customization of the soup.  One parent humorously listed among the challenges of the Shabbat meal:  "serving the baby soup with nothing in it."  

Conclusion
It is interesting to note, that one interviewee related feeling significant anxiety over the issue of their Shabbat table experience falling "short" of that portrayed in books as a fairytale type of experience.  Was it because that description is not one of reality, or because those fortunate families truly put in much more effort, and therefore reap the benefits?

What is blatantly clear from interviewing various families is that with effort, flexibility, and a sense of the importance of the Shabbat table, the experience can be greatly improved.   It seems that the families that recognized this challenge as a very real one, yet did not allow themselves to be overwhelmed by the experience falling short of what they would like, shared the most creative ideas for improving their Shabbat meals.   

It is the hope that "Chicken Soup for the Shabbat Table" will be a helpful resource on two planes.  Firstly, by emphasizing the commonality and humanness of family interaction, and secondly, by providing a fresh outlook, wider options, and sharpened direction for the Shabbat table experience.  As a greater appreciation is gained for the magnitude of the Shabbat table event, there becomes a greater need to delve into this rich experience even more.  The format of the questionnaire and interview has proven to be a rich source for shedding light on the Shabbat meal.  An increased number and variety of interviews, combined with a closer look at the family dynamics will be a welcome addition to gaining greater insight and suggestions for improvement of this beautiful family ritual, and patterned routine.

Introduction:  
Without a doubt, one of the most significant times in the life of the Jewish family is at the Shabbat table.  With the strong scents of the Shabbat meal, the glow of the candles, the rituals and the mood of relaxation, the stage is set for supreme family bonding and education.  This same scene can turn into an opportunity lost, and even a nightmare, if not approached with the respect it deserves.  The week has wound down, exhaustion has set in, and the children have had enough.  The baby needs to sleep, the toddler’s attention won't last past the first course and the pre-teens want out for a good book or some social interaction with peers.  Where do we go from here?

Theoretical background:
 
The family as an institution is one that has been known and respected from time immemorial.  The nature and functioning of the nuclear family have gone through many changes in the past several decades.  This phenomenon may be related to many factors, including: changes in the roles of mother and father particularly in relation to work; increased mobility and distance from the extended family; and greater variation in the marital status (single/divorced/remarried) of the parents.   Although the traditional Jewish family has perhaps gone through less drastic changes, clearly this entity has been affected, as well.  

While there are many literary sources emphasizing the institution of the family in Judaism, it is helpful to see how it is highlighted in the Tanakh. The family relationships and terminology strongly imbedded in the Tanakh form the core of the development of
the Jewish people - the "Children of Israel." More than a nationality formed around a specific location and culture, the Tanakh strongly emphasizes the development of the Jewish people as a family - a people sharing not only a similar mission and message, but stemming from the same familial roots.  

Passover and the Seder are the most popular and widely observed of all Jewish observances.  As the pinnacle of the formation of the Jewish people and our interaction with G-d, the Exodus is a focal point for all Jewish events.  In Egypt, at the height of our metamorphosis from slaves to a free nation, we were called upon to group together as families for the Paschal offering. Those with smaller families combined with neighbors to form "extended families."  This emphasis on the family unit is quite striking. In addition, the Halakha strictly defines the composition of the family unit permitted to participate in this Passover celebration in the generations following the Exodus.   It seems that both the prerequisite and outcome of freedom was the formation and distinction of the family unit.  This emphasis on the family may in fact be one of the secrets to the widespread observance of the Seder night, even among the less affiliated.  There is little doubt that Shabbat and holidays, and particularly the family mealtimes connected with these events, have been a major factor in maintaining the family's significance and centrality among the "Children of Israel."  
Along with changes in the institution of the family, there has been an increased interest in understanding the family unit.  One particular area that is being studied is the nature and function of family rituals.  In summary of a definition of family rituals, Barbara H. Fiese quotes the work of Steven J. Wollin and Linda A. Bennett (1984) who point to three distinct categories of family rituals.

"Family celebrations are holidays practiced and prescribed by the culture, such as Passover Seders, and rites of passage such as weddings.
Family traditions are linked to family activities such as birthday customs, family vacations, or special anniversaries and are less culture-specific.
Patterned routine, the third category of family rituals, are the least consciously planned but may occur on a regular basis (i.e. dinnertime, bedtime, routines or the type of greeting made when someone returns home." 
 
Fiese has shown that the reporting of family ritual activities is a reflection of how family members feel about being together, and the belief that family rituals provide meaning to family life.  Through the development of a questionnaire related to family rituals, Fiese has formed a family ritual meaning factor.  She has shown that this factor has been related to family well being measures such as self-esteem and marital satisfaction (Fiese 1992, Fiese et al. 1993, Fiese and Line 1993).  

With this frame of reference of family rituals, the Friday night Shabbat meal is of unique character.  This family mealtime has a double significance.   It is at the same time a patterned routine of weekly dinnertime, as well as a family celebration heavily weighted with specific religious rituals.  The patterned routine with its familiarity and frequency supplies the family a sense of continuation by knowing what to expect and joining together on a regular basis, providing a strong sense of security and comfort.  The family celebration on the other hand, acts as a source whose special rituals and set procedures create great anticipation.

This increased interest in rituals has begun to shed more light on the nature and benefits of family rituals.  Specific research has focused on the relationship between family risk conditions and family rituals.  This research has shown that family rituals may provide a protective function against the negative effects associated with stressful periods in the family's life.  These protective functions of family rituals have been most clearly documented in studies of transition points in the family life cycle and alcoholism.

Of unique interest is the fact that children of alcoholic families whose parents preserved the dinner ritual had a higher likelihood of a non-alcoholic outcome (Bennet et al 1987.)  These results seem to indicate that by imbuing meaning and deliberateness in such patterned family interactions as dinnertime, the child may develop a strong family identity separate from that of alcoholism.

A study of the relationship between rituals and the more normative family stress of transition to parenthood also supported the positive ramifications of family ritual behavior.  While research indicates that parenthood is of particular stress on marital relationships (Belsky and Pensky 1988,) couples with preschoolers who were able to practice meaningful family rituals reported more marital satisfaction than those who reported relatively hollow family rituals.

Another study of the positive effects of rituals focuses on the relationship of ritual to adolescent identity.  This study conducted by Fiese (1992), indicates a strong relationship between the family's association of symbolic significance in family rituals to the adolescents general self-esteem, identity integration, and feelings of belonging with others.  Interestingly, if a great disparity exists between the parent's perception of the family rituals and that of the adolescent then the adolescent is more likely to feel greater distance from other family members.  

The power of rituals has also been used as a deliberate tool for strengthening family ties.  Imber and Black (1988) have documented the use of developing specific rituals for renewing relationships between couples.  Others have used the organization of rituals together with adolescents to ease the transition from childhood to adolescence.   For example, Lax and Lussardi (1988) prescribed the use of rituals to a family that was giving mixed messages to their adolescent child vis-א-vis her role in the family.  With this use of rituals the family developed set roles related to childhood (e.g. being a playful sibling) and others related to adolescence  (e.g. preparing the family meal once a week).

Besides the emotional and general health benefits that have been discussed regarding family rituals, there has been growing documentation of the cognitive and social benefits of family rituals.  Various studies have looked into the benefits of improved vocabulary, socialization skills and the imparting of values.  Perhaps the most striking piece of research, which ties all of these benefits together, is that of Bowden and Zeisz (1997).  Based on this research," the Greater New Milford  (Ct.) community 2000 task force on Teen and Adolescent Issues determined that the single most effective intervention for the widest variety of teen and adolescent problems was also the easiest, speediest and least expensive:  The implementation of Family mealtimes."   Although clearly simplistic, they showed a great deal of benefits related to the family meal.  As mentioned before, besides the tremendous emotional benefits gained by family mealtime, it was shown that the single factor common to the best readers from elementary through high school, is that their families eat together at the home.  These children develop more extensive vocabularies at an earlier age, are better equipped to articulate, and score two to three grade levels higher on standardized reading and language tests.  The research found that the family mealtime created a sense of belonging and allowed parents to keep aware of what was going on with their children.  This fact brought psychologist Michael Schwarzchild (2000) of Brookfield, Connecticut, to suggest implementing a homeroom period in the school system that would help to reduce anonymity at an attempt in trying to copy some of the benefits of family mealtime.

With this knowledge of the benefits of rituals and mealtime, we may approach the Shabbat meal with a renewed respect.  Reflection on these points will hopefully increase the effort we put into the Shabbat meal while realizing the tremendous benefits that can be gained.  

Methodology:
A questionnaire was developed to find out from families what was happening at the Shabbat table.  
The following is the format that was used in each interview:

Background - Parents
Age
Subgroup
Number of children and age range
Educational Backgrounds
Professions
Years of Marriage
Number of generations present at the Shabbat table
How often do you have company?
Do you eat together during the week (# of times)?
Do you think the number of times you eat together has an effect on the Shabbat table? 

The Shabbat Table -Parents
1. What are the three favorite things you like about the Shabbat dinner? And/or 
What are the three favorite things you like from the time everyone arrives from shul (Friday evening services), until everyone gets up from the table?

2.	What things would you want to change at the Shabbat table?  And/or
	Have you seen things at other people's homes that you liked? And/or
   	(For older children) When you grow up, what would you like to have at your Shabbat table? )

3.What is your job or role at the Shabbat table?
4. How do you deal with a range of ages at the table?
5. How long does you meal generally last? 
6. How many of your children are generally at the table and for how long?
7. What unique things did you bring from your family of origin?
8. What do you differently and why?
9.	What kind of experience do you wish for your family at the Shabbat meal? (Perhaps the miracle question!)
10. What challenges do you have at the Shabbat meal, and how do you solve them?

The Shabbat Table - Children
1. What are the three favorite things you like about the Shabbat dinner? And/or 
What are the three favorite things you like from the time everyone arrives from  shul (Friday evening services) until everyone gets up from the table?

2. 	What things would you want to change at the Shabbat table?  And/or 
   	Have you seen things at other people's homes that you liked? And/or
   	(For older children) When you grow up, what would you like to have at your Shabbat table? 
3. What is your job or role at the Shabbat table?

A total of eight families were interviewed and taped.  The families included five Ashkenazi Anglo-Saxon families from religious homes, one Israeli-born Ashkenazi family, one Israeli-born Yemenite family, and one Yerushalmi Haredi family.  The interviews were conducted with the spouses together, and the children separately with the exception of the Haredi family.  In this case, the wife preferred not to be interviewed, and the father helped the children with translation into Yiddish from Hebrew.   The families were given an explanation as to the purpose and anonymity of the interview.   Most of the participants seemed to find the process itself to be interesting, and it was apparent throughout the interviews that the parents gave the questions some thought.  Some families shared later, that after the interview, they put more focus at looking at what is going on at their tables.  Most of the parents were very interested in knowing what their children had to say.  Both children and parents were informed that specific information would not be shared without the direct consent of the child, and when possible that the child share directly with the parents the results of the questionnaire.

Discussion:
Although a larger sample is required for more in depth comparisons, there was a very strong sense of shared commonality among the different groups.  The area of roles was most sensitive to varied family origin; however, even in this realm, there was an element of commonality.   As anticipated, there were interesting trends shared among the varied groups and families.  These trends, or clusters, combined with unique and interesting data from specific families, give an even greater impact to the results of the questionnaire.  

The nature of the questionnaire was such that it often approached the same point from a slightly different perspective.  This strengthened the formation of clusters, and also verified and amplified many of the issues of the Shabbat table.  

The questionnaire focused on the following major areas.  

1.	Highlights of the Shabbat table
2.	Challenges/points for improvement 
3.	Roles
Highlights
Together Forever
Perhaps the one word that showed up most often among the highlights of the Shabbat meal was the word "togetherness." "Having all the family together" and "sitting together in a relaxed atmosphere" are just two ways the families articulated their favorite part of the Shabbat meal.  The specific word "togetherness" as a concept unto itself, showed up in the list of highlights of the Shabbat meal in 5 out of the 8 interviews.   Variations of this theme showed up as, "conversation together" and ”singing together" in the remainder of the interviews.  In fact, several of the families listed all three variations.

Of even greater significance is that the word togetherness showed up among the favorites of the children as well.  From the age of 11 years and older, many of the children specifically listed as their favorite aspect of the Shabbat meal,  "everyone's together" and "the family is together."   In one family where the parents mentioned several times that an area of challenge is squabbling and fighting, their two young teens specifically pointed out that what they enjoy the most is the "togetherness."
   
As pointed out in the studies on rituals and routines, there is a strong correlation between an adolescent's sense of belonging and their general self esteem.  When focusing on the experience of the Shabbat table we may not always be aware that our children place such value on this sense of togetherness.   When thinking about orchestrating our Shabbat meal, we should not lose sight of the importance of this feeling, and even focus on ways of increasing this sense.

A further point for discussion is the disparity between the response of the parents and the children.  As indicated by Fiese, where a great disparity exists between the parent's perception of the family rituals and that of the adolescent then the adolescent relates feeling distanced from others in the family.  This is of particular interest regarding the family in which the children seemed to emphasize the sense of togetherness more so than their parents.  While the parents pointed several times to the challenges of arguing and squabbling, the adolescents emphasized the sense of togetherness, and even mentioned that "everyone's together" and "everyone's calm

The most direct route to the heart is through the stomach

Not to be belittled, the menu at the meal was a highlight for over 75% of the people questioned.  Among the younger children, the food was more often mentioned and more specific.  Although clearly the concreteness of food makes it a more likely highlight for the younger children, the food factor should not be overlooked.   The soup was the most commonly referred to culinary delight.  One parent even exclaimed "the kids all insist that it tastes better on Shabbat."   

Simple folk wisdom will tell you that chicken soup is good for what ails you.   Nevertheless, the almost mystical powers of the Shabbat soup deserve a closer scrutiny.  It may be that the soup takes on an added dimension at the Shabbat meal.  The fact that it is served towards the beginning of the meal, when the sense of togetherness is at it's strongest, may certainly add to its popularity.  Another point of interest is the customization of the soup.  One parent humorously listed among the challenges of the Shabbat meal:  "serving the baby soup with nothing in it."  

The fact that each person at the table can share from the same pot, and yet be allowed a choice and a sense of individuality, may add just the right spice to making the soup such a special ingredient of the Shabbat table.  
 
The soup was indeed a major focus of many of the families.  One particular husband mentioned that he made "Devorah's soup."  He reported that although he made the soup, it was his wife’s method that he used.  It was as if the soup related to both parents in a very harmonious way.  After the father described that one of his roles was preparing the soup, he then began to describe how the soup was used as a method to teach the laws regarding the prohibition of separation of bad from good (borer) on Shabbat.

"For example, if I would take out some soup with zucchini in it, I would ask who in the family would like the soup with zucchini.  If no one would chose the soup with the particular ingredients than I would chose one of the children to take the soup regardless of what was in it. I spent a long time going through the various details, and trying to make the principles as clear as possible.  Despite the explanations, one of the younger children continued to separate out the food that he didn't want from the soup.  I again explained the prohibition, and my son continued to defiantly remove the ingredients that he didn't want.  I began to get upset and told my son that if he continues to take things out of the soup he will be removed from the table.  My young son quickly retorted, 'You can't do that! That would be considered separating the bad from the good.’  I laughed and was pleased that my son had internalized this lesson."

From the interviews, it became apparent that some families tended to have the same meal each and every Shabbat. Although repetitive meals may have at one time been due to less available variety, there were families that even at present tended to keep the same food format as their parents. On the other hand, a point that several families made was their change in menu from that of their parents. 

It is possible that a choice of a traditional menu works best for some families, giving them a sense of continuity with their families of origin. Different families have very different menus for the Shabbat meal, each fitting the food to their family’s needs and preferences.

The Means Justifies the End

The Yemenite family, which I interviewed, was particularly proud of its unique cultural background.   In discussing what they would like to change about the Shabbat meal, the father retorted that he would like to have the "Jaleh" in its proper place between kiddush and hamotzi.   They described the Jaleh custom as follows: In Yemen, after kiddush, a course was served consisting of dried fruits, nuts, and fresh fruits of the season. This special course was accompanied by a set series of Yemenite songs and divrei Torah in praise of the Torah and G-d.   

The young father, a first-generation Israeli-born Yemenite, bemoaned the present day status of the Jaleh.  He described that in Israel, this custom had turned into an informal dessert usually served at the end of the meal, most often not including the traditional singing, and generally focusing discussion on more mundane items from the newspaper rather than words of Torah. Growing up with their families of origin in Israel, they also did the Jaleh after the meal, and yet felt a desire to return the Jaleh to its original place.  However, with their three young children (ages 1.5 to 4.5) they felt they were not able to have the Jaleh after kiddush, and maintain the children at the table. As a reward for behaving properly, the children were given the opportunity to help serve and participate in the Jaleh, at the end of the meal.

This young family described what compromises they made around a meaningful custom.  Despite the custom not being in its place towards the beginning of the meal, they maintained its significance and importance, and made this a greatly awaited event. In fact, its repositioning encouraged the children to remain at the table until the end of the meal!

Challenges and points for improvement

Table Talk
The theme of getting the children to have a greater input into the mealtime conversation was mentioned in one variation or another in nearly every interview.  Most included the desire for an increase in divrei Torah and kedushah for their Shabbat meals. This desire was expressed by families displaying a greater level of Torah discussion at the table than that of their families of origin. This was true of the Anglo-Saxon, Israeli and Haredi families.   

We can gain satisfaction from the mere fact that there is a general increase in Torah content taking place at the Shabbat table! With this perspective, we can continue to try to improve in this area, building on the success that already exists rather than being overwhelmed by the challenge.

Perhaps one of the most notable aspects of this interest in increased Torah discussion was seen among the families with older children.  Several families had at least one child who pointed out that what they would like to improve at the Shabbat meal was more divrei Torah.  This came at the same time that their parents also expressed a desire to increase divrei Torah at the meal.  The question that begs an answer is "Who or what is stopping this shared desired of parents and children?"  

In one of the interviews in which both the 19-year old son and his parents said that they would like to have more divrei Torah at the table, I pointedly asked the young man what was stopping him.  He began to explain that one has to prepare properly for a "good" dvar Torah, and he rarely had time to do that. It is admirable to see that this boy values a good dvar Torah, yet this desire for depth seems to limit the possibility of greater Torah discussion at the table.  In this family, it is clear that there is a great emphasis on discussing and relating to current events in Israel at the Shabbat table.  This format of discussion seems to be enjoyed by all and is similar to what was the major focus at the Shabbat table of the father's family of origin.  

As the Shabbat table is both a family ritual and a patterned routine, each change in this ritual is a challenge to the very essence of this experience. Introducing topics directly connected to Torah is something that requires a concerted effort by this family.  When this is coupled with the need for depth in divrei Torah, it becomes very difficult to introduce this new pattern.  One should be aware that the very nature of rituals and patterned routines might be undermined by too much change.

Another common theme expressed by those interviewed was the sense of a special atmosphere at the Shabbat table and a "feeling of uplifted spirit."  The desire for holiness unique to Shabbat was emphasized by one set of parents, who wanted to remove mundane discussion from the Shabbat table, including talk of movies and popular music.  The children, however, and in particular the 14-year old teenage boy, listed “talking about the week" as one of his favorite parts of the Shabbat meal.  

What is at odds here is that what interests the teen does not fit into the parent's idyllic picture of discussions of divrei Torah and kedusha. Mental health professionals would jump for joy hearing this teenager's excitement about sharing his week with his parents! Parents can be reassured that their children’s sharing of daily events has a source in the Torah.  In the Biblical story of Eliezer at the well, Rebecca runs to her mother telling of Eliezer's arrival. In his commentary, Rashi points out that  "a daughter shares with her mother the general happenings of what goes on."  When looking at this teenager sharing with his parents, it is no less than Rebecca sharing with her mother what was happening at the well!

Places Please!

Keeping the children at the table was a challenge mentioned by all families in one form or another. While some families seemed to find this task almost overwhelming, for others it was just a small point of contention. The challenge, however, existed for all!

This issue was often intertwined with the challenge of dealing with different ages at the table.  Two different families raised the issue of putting younger children to sleep, before the meal.  One family concluded that although it was an effort to get the kids to take a nap on Friday afternoon, they felt that their family Shabbat table would be lacking if everyone were not there.  Another family found that the youngest children were just not able to stay awake for the meal, especially when it would be late in the evening.  They adapted to the situation in a way that best fit their family.   "Sometimes it's nice when the baby is asleep and the younger kids go off and play, and we get a chance to sit just the two of us at the Shabbat table."
Despite the description of these adaptations to the Shabbat table to make the meal more pleasant, these families still felt that keeping the children at the table was an area of contention.    
While the families with the younger children were struggling to keep them at the table, those with older children reported the same issue, but at the other end of the meal. Just when the children seemed to be old enough to enjoy mature conversation, and fully participate in the Shabbat meal, a new challenge seemed to pop up. 

"Conflict with youth group meetings” was listed as the biggest challenge for the two families with older children (14-18).   These families found that their children's youth group activities were conflicting with their Shabbat mealtime.   One mother illustrated this challenge in her answer to describing the perfect Shabbat meal, as follows: "Less tension with the friends pressuring them to go to pegishot shevet [youth group meetings]. In an ideal world, I would have a Keep Out sign on our door until we are done.  On the other hand there are advantages and disadvantages.”

The parents found that although they were pleased that their children were involved with social activities, they were not willing to have there family mealtime sacrificed on the altar of the Shabbat table.   The two families with older children who shared this challenge found that they had to compromise between having their children’s full participation in the mealtime activities and allowing them to maintain social activity.  This was done in both homes by having extra dessert available for those friends who came to gather the children for the youth-group, while they waited for the children to be excused from the table.  "We end up with a lot of people stopping in on their way…We have a lot of extra food for dessert!"    Another novel solution was for the kids to get their friends to help clear off the table and wash the dishes so that they could finish their roles of cleaning up after the Shabbat meal and go off to the youth event.
Another family, who emphasized the importance of keeping their three young children (ages 1.5 - 4.5) at the table for the entire meal, was very structured in working towards this goal.  Firstly, they almost always got everyone to take a nap on Friday afternoon.  Secondly, they limited the time of the formal meal and usually kept it to under an hour.  Third, the meal was focused at trying to keep the interest of the children.  Even with all this concerted effort on the specific issue of keeping the children at the table, the parents reported that the children were at the meal for approximately 75% of the time.  

Defining different phases of the meal at which children were expected to participate, was the most common method of dealing with the challenge of keeping the children at the table.  One family pointed out that "everyone stays until the first course, the older children stay up to 70% of the meal while the younger ones stay for up to 30%." Still another family found that they were skipping the first course and going straight to serving the soup.  They found that the children preferred the soup and that when serving the first course they would often lose the children right at the beginning of the meal.    
Several families defined the Shabbat meal in two clear parts.  One, a more formal part in which it was expected that everyone or almost everyone would stay at the table for the entire time, while the second, less formal part, would continue for a longer time but be more relaxed in its requirements of staying at the table.
  
Keeping everyone at the table is a challenge that clearly requires a great deal of flexibility and effort.  The Friday night setting is often one in which the week has wound down, making it even more difficult to put in the effort that may be necessary to maintain the expectations of keeping the family at the table.  Those families who are able to achieve a balance between putting in the effort to maintain greater attendance at the table, while realizing that there are many obstacles in the way, will reduce the frustration around the Shabbat meal.  The use of some of the techniques shared by the various families will have greater impact when realizing that even the best efforts will not reach 100% results.  

Keeping the children seated is only half the battle. As mentioned above, nearly all the participants expressed the desire for meaningful conversation at the table.  Asking questions at the table was a method used by several families. "We try to keep everyone interested through games and questions, sometimes we will even dance."   While this seemed to work, most of these families with younger children combined these techniques with motivators: "We give out strawberries, give out treats for participation and for giving up on a turn or a seating place for another sibling."   One family described a very nice adaptation to their issue of trying to gain participation and maintain interest. 
 
"We tried going from the youngest to oldest in questions, the older kids often got frustrated that they wanted to answer the simple questions.  Now that he [the oldest, age 12] is older, he is responsible to prepare a story from a book on Rav Kook or other personalities.  For the baby, we will put some of her projects in the drawer next to the table, and when it's her turn, she will show Abba some of the things she made that week.  The two middle kids read things that were prepared by the school."  

This description shows both flexibility and a keen awareness of the interests of each child.  It demonstrates an assessment of a situation that requires improvement and an attempt at providing each child with an opportunity for participation on his or her own level.  
Despite their solution, the parents clearly stated that among the things they would want to change is: "To make it come more automatically, and not have to work at getting them to participate, and get the kids to stay."

One parent talked very candidly about how he dealt with his three year old.   "The baby (age 3) is in a class by himself. Basically, we let him do what ever he wants. We give him a toy when doing divrei Torah ."

Even in families where there is a very high level of awareness and effort put into the Shabbat meal, these issues remain.  Keeping this in perspective and refraining from creating idyllic expectations of the Shabbat meal will be helpful for all families when confronting these common challenges.  By setting realistic expectations, the Shabbat meal will tend to be a much more pleasant experience for all.  

Roles

The interviewed families described a clear change in family roles from that of their families of origin, particularly in relation to the traditional roles of males and females.   Although this trend existed among all, it was significantly less predominant among the Yemenite and Haredi families. In some of the families, there was an apparent lack of roles for the children at the Shabbat table.  

A suggestion for helping to bring about the desired changes at the Shabbat table may be to define roles for the children. If children are given jobs related to the table and the meal, they may feel more responsible and connected to its outcome, and as such, stay longer at the table and put more effort into its success. 

In some cases it was evident that the roles of the children added to their appreciation of the Shabbat meal experience.  One child remarked that his job was to sometimes make "sticky wings"  (barbecued chicken wings) together with his father.  He clearly enjoyed this job, as he listed this among the first roles that he had.  Another son, who pointed out that he "usually brings food to the table" also included "bringing things for my father" among his roles. What was interesting was that the father did not include these specific tasks as roles of the children.   In the interview with the parents there was more of a focus on the clearing off of the table, which required orchestration on the father's part. 

In another family, a clearly defined role was that of helping to set the table for Shabbat.  The three oldest children (girls ages 7,8,9) each got a turn to help their mother with setting the table for Shabbat.  There seemed to be other things that the girls helped with as well, but this job was something special for them. They all mentioned it, and talked about it with excitement.  Each child would have a turn to be in charge of helping their mother with arranging the table for Shabbat.  Some of the younger children would also help do some task connected to setting the table. 
 
An apparent pattern is that the children get particular enjoyment out of roles that are connected directly with a parent.  Although the parent may not feel this as strongly, the children seemed to connect the significance of their role with the fact that the task is done together with - or directly for - one parent or the other.  

Epilogue
"Take two and call me in the morning" 
As an aside, although all concrete suggestions must be prefaced with the fact that one needs to carefully evaluate and adapt the appropriateness of  such suggestions, the following are two concrete suggestions that may be appropriate and helpful for increasing participation at the Shabbat table.

 1. Providing each person with a chumash at the table may increase participation and allow for more specific questions, including reading and general text skills.

2. Creating your own Shabbat zmirot book is another possibility for increasing participation.  This can be done as a family, or by individuals, and may be done on the computer, by hand, or both.  If you want, they can then be laminated.   Having the zmirot personalized and quickly available should naturally increase participation.)  

Conclusion
It is interesting to note that one interviewee related feeling significant anxiety over the issue of their Shabbat table experience falling "short" of that portrayed in books as a fairytale type of experience.  Was it because that description is not one of reality, or because those fortunate families truly put in much more effort, and therefore reap the benefits?

What is clear from interviewing various families is that with effort, flexibility, and a sense of the importance of the Shabbat table, the experience can be greatly improved.   It seems that the families that recognized this challenge as a real one, but did not allow themselves to be overwhelmed by the experience falling short of what they would like, shared the most creative ideas for improving their Shabbat meals.   The following is a synopsis of some of the highlights of the Shabbat meal, combined with some common contentions and suggestions:

•	As pointed out in studies on rituals and routines, there is a strong correlation between adolescent sense of belonging and their general self-esteem.  When focusing on the experience of the Shabbat table we may not always be aware that our children place such value on this sense of togetherness.   When thinking about orchestrating our Shabbat meal, we should not lose sight of the importance of this feeling, and even focus on ways of increasing this sense.   Included in this would be giving everyone an opportunity to share and participate in the meal both on a technical level as well as on a content level.

•	The chicken soup works!  The fact that each person at the table can share from the same pot, yet be allowed a choice and a sense of individuality, may add just the right spice to making the soup such a special Shabbat ingredient.   Allowing for individuality together with sharing a common source and goal is an invaluable tool for making a more pleasant Shabbat table experience.  Don't belittle the position of an event at the Shabbat meal as well.  Serving the soup at the beginning of the meal seems to make it much more successful.

•	Being aware of the different needs of the children and balancing that with maintaining a sense of respect for the traditions and rituals of the families of origin, is a recipe that will help in bringing about the best results for the Shabbat meal.  Among the techniques used were: removing a course from the meal, changing the position of a course, cutting down the time of the meal, and breaking up the meal into a more formal part and a less formal part.

•	Keeping everyone at the table is a challenge that clearly requires a great deal of flexibility and effort.  The Friday night setting is often one in which the week has wound down, making it even more difficult to put in the energy that may be necessary to maintain the expectations of keeping the family at the table.  Those families who are able to achieve a balance between putting in the effort to maintain greater attendance at the table, while realizing that there are many obstacles in the way, will reduce the frustration around the Shabbat meal.  The use of some of the techniques shared by the various families will have greater impact when realizing that even the best efforts will not reach 100% results.  

•	We can gain satisfaction from the mere fact that there is a general increase in Torah content taking place at the Shabbat table! With this perspective, we can continue to try to improve in this area, building on the success that already exists rather than being overwhelmed by the challenge.  As the Shabbat table is both a family ritual and a patterned routine, each change in this ritual is a challenge to the very essence of this experience. Introducing topics directly connected to Torah is something that requires a concerted effort by many families.  One should be aware that the very nature of rituals and patterned routines might be undermined by too much change. This being said, some general guidelines that showed up from the interviews included: allowing for spontaneous divrei Torah rather than very well prepared ones; asking age-appropriate questions and playing games with Torah topics; using age-appropriate motivators such as fruit or treats; allowing the children to share their experiences (realizing that the sharing is in-and-of-itself a Torah value or trying to use these events as a springboard for discussion of other Torah values); and singing zmirot or dancing as a form of sharing Torah values. 

•	Defining roles for the children may help bring about the desired changes at the Shabbat table. If children are given jobs related to the table and the meal, they may feel more responsible and connected to its outcome, and as such, stay longer at the table and put more effort into its success. An apparent pattern is that the children get particular enjoyment out of roles that are connected directly with a specific parent.  Although the parent may not feel this as strongly, the children seemed to connect the significance of their role with the fact that the task is done together with - or directly for - one parent or the other.
It is the hope that "Chicken Soup for the Shabbat Table" will be a helpful resource on two planes.  Firstly, by emphasizing the commonality and humanness of family interaction, and secondly, by providing a fresh outlook, wider options, and sharpened direction for the Shabbat table experience.  As a greater appreciation is gained for the magnitude of the Shabbat table event, there becomes a greater need to delve into this rich experience.  The format of the questionnaire and interview has proven to be a rich source for shedding light on the Shabbat meal.  An increased number and variety of interviews, combined with a closer look at the family dynamics, will offer greater insight and suggestions for improvement of this beautiful family ritual, and patterned routine.

Selected Bibliography

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Blum-Kulka, Shoshana, "You gotta know how to tell a story; Telling,tales, and tellers in American and Israeli narrative events at Dinner."Language in Society, vol. 22(3) 361-402, Sep. 1993  

Boyum, Lisa A., "The Role of Family Emotional Expressiveness in the Development of Children's Social Competence.", Journal of Marriage and the Family,57:593-608 Aug. 1995 

Bowden,B and Zeisz,J " Family Meals May Prevent Teen Problems.",APA Monitor, 28 (10), 8, Oct. 1997

Fiese, B. H. Family matters: A systems view of family effects on children’s cognitive health. In R. J. Sternberg and E. L. Grigorenko (Eds.), Environmental effects on cognitive abilities.  (pp. 39-57). Mahwah, NJ:Erlbaum (2000).

Fiese, B.H., "Family Rituals in alcoholic and non Alcoholic Households: Relation to Adolescent Health Symptomatology and Problem Drinking." Family Relations,42:187-192 , 1993

Fiese, B.H., et al.,  "Family Rituals in the Early Stages of Parenhood." Journal of Marriage and the Family 55:633-642, 1993

Fiese, B.H., et al., "Development of the Family Ritual Questionnaire (FRQ): Initial Reliability and Validation Studies."  Journal of Family Psychology  6:290-299, 1993

Fiese, B.H., "Dimensions of Family Rituals across Two Generations: Relation to Adolescent Identity." Family Process, 31:151-162, 1992

Grieshaber, Susan, "Mealtime Rituals: Power  and resistance in the construction of mealtime rules." British Journal of Sociology, vol. 48 issue no.4, Dec.1997

Jewett, Jacque, et al. "Teaching Preschoolers to use appropriate dinnertime, Conversation: An Alnalysis of Gerneraalizaation from School to Home.",Behavior Therapy, vol.10 (5):589-605, Nov. 1979

Markson, S. Fiese,B.H.," Family Rituals as a Protective Factor for Children With Asthma." Journal of Pediatric Psychology, vol.25,no.7 pp471-479,2000

Ochs,Elinor, et al. "Story telling as a theory building activity.", Discourse Processes, Vol 15(1):37-72, Jan-Mar 1992

Schwarzchild, Michael, "Alienated Youth: Help from Families and Schools.", Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, Vol 31 (1):95-96, Feb. 2000

Vuchinich, Samuel, "Family members and third parties in dyadic family conflict: Strategies, alliances, and outcomes."Child Development,Vol. 59 (5) 1293-1302,Oct.1988

* Special Thanks to Professor Barbara H. Fiese of The Dept. of Psychology, Syracuse University, for her help and resources.